ten annihilations (for tina

this lengthy poem is based upon a line from wilfred owen's 'futility' and is dedicated to the artist tina hibbins

'you look like your mother' - complete text

i was unsure if i wanted to share the pages of the book without having the ability to shuffle them any way you saw fit but my commitment to an openness towards culture won out.

these images may be saved and reordered in any way you like, just reference me if you share or use them.

'you look like your mother' - describing alternative narratives.

as discussed before i have been writing an  auto-biography which contains multiple and largely false narratives.

my aim has been to question the often constructed narratives around trans* identity and the processes by which we construct the narrative thread of our own lifes.

i have spoken in the past about the seductivness of the 'i always knew' tradition of trans* identity in which having known you where a girl/ boy from childhood is treasured and viewed as more authentic. i wished to challenge this in the book and i also wanted to challenge common themes i have found in trans*autobiography relating to coming out, 'transitioning,' medication and surgery. as i state in the book

so many choices for the direction of biography not least of which is when to allow the great life changing moment too occur. there are various trusted approaches: rebirth upon surgery, rebirth upon taking hormones

some of these narratives grew out of the 'standards of care' which, for many generations of trans*women including my own, formed the basis of how we understood ourselves, changed how we constructed our own narratives. though this time has passed and a greater openness exists in the community to alternative narratives the old ideas of legitimacy and the old hierarchies hold true.

ofcorse the book goes beyond only discussion trans*autobiography to discuss the whole genera of autobiography, biography and even the idea of narrative itself.

though indebted to b. s. johnson's 'the unfortunates' i wished to move beyond the limited structure he offered (or even that offered by marc saporta) by destroying the order and sense of the page, offering narratives that collapse in upon themselves, eat their own tails.

this is an ending which will lead you back to the beginning, a circle, a narrative eating it’s own  tail. stop, begin, speak.  end

the book can be purchased along with two cds of music and a two hour film on my bandcamp and as a stand alone item here

trans*autobiography and the slippery nature of truth

i have written here before of the slippery nature of trans*narratives and autobiography and i have always wanted to write an autobiography without a narrative which can be unpicked or relied on.

i finally began work on this today.

the completed text will be printed with some passages cut out, sections cut from pages, pages printed on transparencies and any other trick i can think of to break the narrative.

this is the first draft of page one

in praise of knowledge (aka. 'your work is pretentious' yea, like i care)

i've been accused of pretension recently and it's hardly been the first time.

i don't mind, indeed the term has taken on a meaning for many, particularly anti-intilectuals, which makes it a badge of honour: it no longer means that you parade knowledge that you do not have but that you are not afraid to show what knowledge you possess.

while i have no desire to alienate people by talking over their heads i am not willing to keep my interests in history, philosophy, film, literature, music and poetry out of my work and will explain where my ideas have came from rather than (as an elitist would) assume knowledge.

i know a little about and am interested in the history of fascism in europe so i felt it was not pretentious to produce a three part work on the subject.

i have lived with the often obtuse text of t.s. eliot's 'four quartets' for most of my adult life so felt i could produce work around that subject

i have read quite a bit on early 20th century exploration of the north and south poles so felt i could produce work around that subject

i have both read about the marian cult and was brought up catholic so i felt i could produce work around that subject

i have read much anglo-saxon poetry and prose so...well you get the picture.

i see no problem with handling complex issues and i have no problem with people having greater knowledge than me. likewise i have no problem with obscure and difficult musical forms such as drone, minimalism and free improvisation so why should i produce work other than that which interests me?

the academy often seeks to limit access to culture and learning to those outside it's circle and this is met by an equal but sadly not opposite force outside the academy which seeks to shame those who look to gain knowledge. i will have no part of either.

when i was growing up my parents would do what they could to feed my interest in literature and felt a great pride in my growing intellect. i still remember my father taking me to buy two bookcases and proudly telling everyone in the shop that i 'liked to read.' no one should be ashamed of knowledge either having knowledge, seeking knowledge or having little knowledge in a field but wanting more.  

my work is pretentious? yea like i care.

remixing in the library

since listening to uschi-no-michi's 'ameratsu' i've had an urge to remix it using darwin's 'on the origin of species' as a guide to the length of the cuts.

the idea was to record the length of each chapter in the book and then produce cuts corresponding to these lengths with each page represented but one second of time so that a twenty page chapter would be represented by twenty seconds of time, a thirty page chapter by thirty seconds and so on.

in the end a strict adherence to page lengths proved impossible as the main vocal was cut off half way through a word and other cuts featured periods of silence. in the end a slightly looser version of the original idea was used where the length of a cut could be slightly lengthened or truncated (and where a larger section of the main vocal was taken) to allow for a more organic sounding piece.

the finished piece is available on my bandcamp while the original can be found here